The conversation I never got to have.

Written in response to #WOTD, #YDWP, #FOWC, #Daily Addictions, #MLMM Sunday writing prompt. When my Lee died I had no one to offer me advice, my own Grandmother passing when I were fourteen years old, leaving me with no grandparents at all. This is a conversation I would have loved to have been able to...

11/11/19

Dear diary. Two years and it isn't any easier. The loss is still as painful and the hole won't ever truly close that he left in my heart. I miss him and think about him all the time. The loss is agony. https://youtu.be/wVyggTKDcOE

10/11/19

Dear diary. Two years ago today I was sat in a hospital room watching the last of my Lee's life slip away, knowing there wasnt a thing I could do to prevent it. No matter how much I cried, prayed, pleaded. There wasnt a thing that could save him. I look back and try to...

21/10/19

Dear diary. I woke up in a cold sweat, dreaming about the day Lee died again. I hate this time of year now. The flashbacks get worse the closer to the date I get and the meds dont stop it happening. It's been two years now and the trauma never leaves me. I can still...

Time to say goodbye.

Written in response to #YDWP & #WotD. 21/10/19. In three weeks time it will be the two year anniversary of the death of my Lee and not a day goes by where I dont think about the happy times we had together. We have been apart now longer than we ever were together but the...

1/9/19.

Dear diary. What a horrid nights sleep! The weather is on the turn here in our part of the UK and autumn is fast approaching. With it the wind is picking up again and the rain has started to have a chill to it again, it sucks. It also means that I cant sleep with...

10/8/19

Dear diary. What a day? I'm exhausted! My butt hasn't hit the ground all day and I've had no time to write at all. BB1 and MB1 have only just gone home but we have done loads today with BB1s help. She watched her brother and sister whilst Bear and I completely gutted the garden....

C = Cat…Siriusly!

C = CAT. LillBlu’s A to Z challenge.. 3/7/19 Sirius. The cat was a gift from my Lee for my birthday in 2017. He was born on valentines day and we got him eight weeks later. He is the most thoughtful gift I have ever been bought and certainly the longest lasting. When you're naming...

Heart Rate.

The Daily Spur. 17/6/19. RATE. Today’s word is rate. Get the definition from dictionary.com or from the urban dictionary   "Heart rate and blood pressure are falling consistently now; it's only a matter of time." The last words the nurse said to me before she came to silence the alarms half an hour later, at 12:30am on 11/11/17, Remembrance...

The Bench.

The SPF Challenge. 9/6/19. THE BENCH. The SPF Challenge The Bench   As she looked out across the dreary courtyard at the bench they once shared together on brighter days, tears filled her eyes and fell in puddles around her feet; much like the rain outside. ‘Our Spot.’ She sobbed, ‘We were supposed to be...

Bathroom.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.  7/6/19. “open book, point, write.” (Pocket Study Skills by Gary Thomas. page 5. line 11. word 4.) Picked for me by my two baby bears, Lill Man & Lill Miss.   'BATHROOM'   I hate my bathroom with a passion. It has been the cause of constant stress for me for around...

Christmas without you.

An empty chair. An empty space. An empty plate. An empty heart. #missingmybaby #heartbroken #bahhumbug #brazycitch1981

And the panic sets in!

It's occurred to me this evening that I have absolutely no idea how to be a single parent or how to be single. I have been a parent for almost 21 years. 4 kids with 3 different dad's but never once was I raising them alone. I'm one of those questionable people who rarely end...

Disturbed. That’s me!

Lee Scott Spanton. 19/5/74 - 11/11/17 I miss you so much baby. Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence In restless dreams...

Protected: No one tells you these things!

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Today’s mission is…

SURVIVAL! Today my only plan is to keep myself and the 2 youngest monsters alive! 5 weeks ago today my Lee passed away, we held his funeral just last Monday. We were not together long, just 14 short months but they were life changing months for me and the kids. He taught us all so...