21/10/19

Dear diary.

I woke up in a cold sweat, dreaming about the day Lee died again. I hate this time of year now. The flashbacks get worse the closer to the date I get and the meds dont stop it happening.

It’s been two years now and the trauma never leaves me. I can still see the images play out before me like it was only yesterday and I’m just as powerless now as I ever was and in my dreams I’m fighting just as hard to try and pull him back but I fail every time.

Its soul destroying to watch someone you love die in your arms and be utterly unable to do anything about it. But to re-live it over and over again is just torture. It feels like I’m being punished because I couldnt save him, like I’m being made to relive my mistakes as punishment for not being able to bring him back.

I tried. I really did. I’d have given my own life in that moment to bring him back but it wasnt to be and I’m sick of reliving it. I need to learn to let go. I need to learn to let him go.

Xxxx

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