I’m still here!

So much has happened in the last year and a bit, it’s hard to know where to start. 16 months have past since my last post and I feel like I’ve just woke from a dream of a life I’ll never have.

I didn’t stay single too long! (Its a problem, I know!)

I had a wonderful few months with an amazing guy but it turned sour and he ended up hating me for one reason or another.

I learned a lot in those few months from that man and I can’t thank him enough. He gave me the confidence to stand up for my rights and fight my corner, which I did (and won.) He gave me the confidence to apply for university, which I did (just completed my first year!!). He also gave me the confidence to walk away from the disaster the relationship had become, I am thankful to him for that too because I wouldn’t have had the last year had we not split up.

9 months ago I met someone else (I’ll take the hate, I’m used to it.) He turned my world on its head as he was so different to anyone that’s ever been interested in me before. I attract the kind that frequent the dole queue more often than a workplace, the kind that need looking after. He was none of those things and I still can’t work out what he saw in me. Loneliness and desperation is probably the answer.

We had a fantastic relationship, up until the point Baby Bear and her mooch of a boyfriend had my granddaughter and moved out abruptly. The whole future I thought we were planning together was suddenly taken away and I lost my best friend and only confidante when she left. The whole situation messed with my head for one reason or another and I suffered a breakdown again.

This ones been different than the others, the same in many ways but worse, oh so much worse. Ive ended up with a diagnosis of Emotionally unstable/borderline personality disorder. In all honesty, I’m more shocked at the fact I have a diagnosis than the diagnosis itself. I’ve been fighting psych and Drs for years because I didn’t think anxiety and depression was an accurate diagnosis. So now I have this one and it comes with so much stigma and misconceptions its unreal.

As far as its effects on my relationship…

I sit here, on my back doorstep, writing this and watching the kids play whilst sipping coffee. My first day of single parenting (again.)

I’m oddly calm and focused today. My heart rate hasn’t gone above 70bpm at all today and an air of serenity sits over us all. This is odd in itself as when he walked out yesterday he left me with nothing to smoke, very little milk and no medication as he was supposed to be picking it up for me.

A normal Sunday morning for the last 3 months or so has been hell because we all had to tiptoe about the place and I had to keep the kids locked up in the living room, quiet so they didn’t wake the beast. He doesn’t sleep well due to suspected apnea and polyps and is an absolute nightmare in a morning and hates waking up. Weekdays he was up and out the house by 5.30, military style but weekends he could sleep till lunchtime without any ssue. Not great for kids who are used to being up at 6am and don’t have to stay quiet.

I hold my hands up to being the likely cause of my kids bad behaviour. My diagnosis has helped me understand where I go wrong and begin to address the issues but still, is it a realistic expectation to have that a 5 and 7 year old will be able to stay in bed and stay quiet for up to 6 hours, in a morning, when they’re most active?

Is it also a realistic expectation to have that if you get up and shout and get angry with someone first thing in the morning, they are likely to be quiet and reserved around you for the remainder of the day?

This is how the relationship devolved into emptiness.

I have discovered, through my research, that EUPD has 2 broad categories. The loud, shouty, externally attacking kind and the quiet, dissociative, self attacking kind. I fit into the latter of these categories most of the time but occasionally I’ll outwardly attack.

With my kids I tend to be explosive. I shout and yell and threaten and I’m a horrid person to them. They are my worst trigger and my biggest worry. I handle them so badly more often than not but they still love me regardless. The truest love always comes from the bond between mother and child and I love them with an intensity that drives me insane.

With anyone other than the kids I’m definitely the second category. As soon as any problems occur I shut down and can’t talk. Not only can I not talk about the problem, all conversation becomes stunted as my head goes round and round in circles processing every way in which the conversation could go but I never actually speak.

My self implosion combined with explosive attacks at the kids would be enough to drive anyone away I guess and he stuck it out a lot longer than I expected him too. The last 2 weekends have been the worst ever. Normally it’s just me being dissociative and the kids being uncontrollable that causes the issues but I’m now on my 3 weekend in a row where I’m actually doing reasonably well and the kids are not doing too badly either. The suns out so they can play out and it helps.

The last 2 weekends have been all his implosion. I think in some weird kind of way he knew he couldn’t hack it anymore and he felt like ending it on an argument would make leaving easier, validate him going somehow. I fought and fought to try and help him understand where I’m coming from and how I’m thinking but I can only communicate with any ease via a keyboard and he hated that. He didn’t believe I could love him if I couldn’t even speak to him. I couldn’t make him see how wrong he way and so he left.

The kids and I cried most of the day yesterday. I was horrid to them on more than one occasion but they still came for hugs and I’m so grateful to them both for their unconditional love and forgiveness. They both know about my condition, especially little man. He’s nearly 8 now and has many of the same issues as I do with regard to his emotions. He’s explosive and introspective all at the same time but so full of love. I look at at both of them and I feel so sorry that they got stuck with me as a parent but I’m thankful that they are still young enough to grow through this condition with me.

Waking up this morning was awful because I was alone and I cried and hugged his pillow until the kids came in and jumped on me. I’d forgotten how much I liked waking up to them both being goofy. I’ve been so angry with them for not being quiet for so long that I’d forgotten how much fun they could be.

I’m partially deaf and so the kids don’t wake me up in a morning unless they are loud or in the same room. This is great for them and for me as I get an extra hour of peace and they have fun and are allowed to play, but for him it turned out to be a living hell I think.

His own boys are quiet and calm lads by nature, almost the polar opposite of my two but his ex told me they had to tiptoe around all the time and stay in their rooms until he left for work so no one could annoy him. Weekends for her were much like weekends for me, tiptoe around in silence until he rose around lunchtime like a bear with a sore head.

Today they woke me around 8, which was bliss as I’ve had such a bad night with no medication, the pain and cramps and sweats have been horrid and the nightmares so vivid and real, I was glad to wake up. Their giggles and antics didn’t rile me at all this morning because no one had to be quiet, no one had to tiptoe or get told off or get angry! It was just nice.

By 9am the kids were dressed, fed, cleaned and slathered in suncream. Running round the garden as they should be, soaking up some rays. Our house is situated so that the rear gets the sun from sunrise to late afternoon when it finally passed over and the front gets sunset. The living room is in darkness for most of the day, even with a window almost as big as the wall. It’s so nice to have the kids and I in the sun, no one being told they have to stay in or quiet. No issues with the doors being opened and closed and no one having to silently creep to the loo.

Maybe the serenity I feel is relief? All of our relief.

Relief in the fact theres no atmosphere of impending doom. Theres no restrictions (beyond normal expectations from neighbours on a Sunday morning) to be quiet or confined? Maybe it’s the fact that I deleted his number and all of our messages so I have no way to contact him and torture myself, hoping?

Whatever the reason, I’m enjoying it while it lasts as one thing I’ve learnt of late is that this condition and stability do not go hand in hand at all. The likelihood is that I could be a jibbering wreck tomorrow or an angry beast. The kids are back at school.and I have an appointment with the talking therapy people so stress is likely to be the order of the day.

One if the obscure things I have discovered on my journey of EUPD/BPD discovery is that contradictions are a huge issue. Outwardly pushing everyone away but screaming internally to be held and loved and needed, I think that’s been one if the defining issues in my relationship and why he chose to walk away. He couldn’t believe anything I said because my actions and words and feelings never match up, everything is in contradiction to everything else. It confuses the hell out of me.and I can’t blame him for not being able to handle it. I know I cant more often than not.

I’m absolutely devastated that its come to end the way it has because I love that man so deeply. I would have like to have been a proper family, his wife even, one day. I could see a true future with him but I managed to destroy it all just by being me. I’m sure I will break eventually, a picture, a place, a song. Something will set me off and I’ll break but for now. I’m doing ok.

I’ve missed writing to you all. Even though I have no idea who reads this or even if anyone does but the adage ‘it’s good to talk’ is such a true statement. I write daily but only in my notes as a rule, I rarely share how I feel or how I think since I closed down my Facebook account (long story but I’m not sorry I did it.) I find it different, cathartic almost writing with the knowledge that I’m sharing with others, that someone else may read my ramblings and gain hope or be inspired. Or not. It’s just nice to talk to someone.

I thank you all for that.

#thankyoureaders

#writingtherapy

#singleagain

#borderline

#EUPD

#BPD

#youarenotaloneinthis

#parenthood

#motherslove

#loneliness

3 thoughts on “I’m still here!

Add yours

  1. Hi There, Thank you for following my blog, I really enjoyed reading yours, you are a really talented writer, I could totally understand where you are coming from, I’ll enjoy following you! You seem like a very strong person to me, you have been through some awful times but you are determined and I think doing very well under the circumstances. I read a blog by a girl called Borderline Bella, have a look, she has great insights into borderline disorders etc.., but I warn you she like her bad language! have a great weekend, Lilly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bless ya, thanks for the comments and thanks for taking the time to read my blog, yours is far better than mine tho.
      I will check out your recommendation, I need all the help I can get with this stupid illness.
      I’m grateful to have someone who can empathize with how I feel and I thank you again for that.
      I hope you have a fab weekend also.
      L. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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