Dear Diary

I dont know what to say about today! Its supposed to be a day filled with love and happiness, a day to show your partner how much you love them and to spoil them a bit but not in my house. In my house valentines day has always been a tricky one for me to deal with.

When I was 15, 23 years ago today, I gave birth to my first born daughter and I couldn’t have been happier at the time, but being so young and inexperienced I had to fight the authorities to keep her and eventually I lost. When she was just 9 months old they took her away from me and my world crumbled around my ears.

I spent many years fighting to get her back but never managed to achieve it, for one reason or another, and an un-diagnosed mental health condition didn’t make it any easier. It wasn’t until she was nearly 13 that she came back into my life but by then the damage was done and our relationship irreparably broken.

All the years we spent apart I used to cry the whole of valentines day as it was her birthday. a day when I couldn’t be happy because I was incomplete and lost without my child. Even after she came back into my life the day remained a day when I mourned the lost years I should have had with her. Now the day is just filled with regrets and sadness, pining for the lost years and pining for a relationship ill never have.

23 years on and ten years after she came back into my life I still cant lay my demons to rest and get on and enjoy the day for what its meant to be. A day filled with love and affection, not sadness and regrets. I wish things were different.


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