10/2/20

Dear Diary

Im lost today. I dont know wether its tiredness or apathy but its sapping all the energy out of me and all I want to do is sleep.

So many huge, great things are on the horizon for us and all I can think about is how afraid I am that it will blow up in our faces sometime soon and leave us all in a huge mess! Im scared for our future, good or bad but I dont want to be. I want to be looking forward to the changes that are to come and be excited for our new futures, together.

Its so frustrating being the way I am. I cant just be happy for once, I have to dwell on any negatives, even when there aren’t any obvious ones I will find something to fret over. I just want happiness and to let bygones be bygones without my brain throwing me bait all the while and goading me into the cyclonic mess I end up being.

It affects my whole being, worrying. It takes every ounce of strength I have to keep my head above water on a day to day basis as it is but add this extra stress in on top and Im nothing but a jibbering wreck under the surface. Im like a swan, serene and calm on top but paddling like feck underneath just to stay afloat and Im sick of it.

I cant even vent my frustrations as the meds Im on keep me so flat Im unable to even cry when I want to. Im so fed up of being me!

Maybe this new life we’re all aiming for is the best thing that can happen for all of us. It will take us all away from here and start afresh somewhere we can concentrate on being a family unit for a change instead of being as disjointed as we are.

I just need to learn how to stop stressing about everything!


written in response to #FOWC, #FFE, #MLMM, sunday writing prompt

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