P = PARANOIA

P = PARANOIA. LillBlu’s A to Z challenge.. 16/7/19


Paranoia is terrifying.

I have suffered with it to varying degrees for the majority of my adult life and only recently, with my EUPD diagnosis, have I come to understand it a little better.

My whole life I have just assumed that everyone thought the way I do and that everyone is suspicious of everyone else to the same degrees I feel. This hasn’t been helped by the fact that I am usually an extremely astute person; anyone close to me would have to agree that I am usually right about situations or people and I can spot a fake or a lie a mile off, well before anyone else.

This makes my paranoia more difficult because I often don’t realize I’m being paranoid until its too late, myself and everyone else are so used to me being right that no one questions me until my paranoia deepens and someone finally cottons on to the fact that my facts don’t add up or things are getting too far fetched.

Its hell to live with, for me and for those that have managed to stick around.

paranoia

A mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically worked into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.

Google search – paranoia meaning

Delusions of persecution and unwarranted jealousy rule my life; I haven’t lived a single day, for as long as I can remember where I haven’t felt at least one of these things but only now that I understand my condition a little better have I come to accept these feelings for what they are, delusional and unwarranted.

Over the last few months, with a deeper understanding of what is happening inside my whirlpool of a brain, I have been able to start to identify when I am being over the top; when my paranoia is starting to creep up again and I am learning, slowly, to control it to some degree.

I don’t expect I will ever be free from the nightmare completely; just as I doubt I will ever be completely healed of my mental health issues, but I have hope that one day I will be able to get to bedtime and realize I haven’t had a single paranoid thought that day.

One day!

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