It’s been a bad few days for me because, like the fool I am, I forgot to take my meds on Saturday. (Hence no posts over the weekend) This has spun my head into its previous cycle of self-loathing and I don’t know which way up is at the moment. Maybe writing about my angst will help.
I wake at around 5.15. Usually, from a bad dream that I can’t remember and I feel in pain, confused and emotional right from the off. All I want is a long hug but I’ve accepted mornings are not good for him and I shouldn’t expect any kind of physical contact except a quick kiss goodbye.
I’m usually in tears as soon as he leaves because I feel empty and abandoned and unloved. I force it to pass, I manage to control my head and I force my head to understand it’s just how he is in a morning but it’s really hard and it lingers. At 6 the kids get up and I’m too busy being busy with hair and clothes and shoes to think about anything else and it takes a lot of effort not to shout and yell at the kids when they won’t do as they’re asked. By the time I’ve wrangled them into the car, dropped them at school and got home again my stress levels are high and I have half an hour to just sit and chill in the kitchen with a coffee and a smoke. (The kitchen is my safe space because it’s the only space the kids aren’t allowed in and so, in theory, I can hide away when I need to, I still choose to be in there even when the kids aren’t home.)
Once I’ve had half an hour I usually force myself to get on with the day, whatever that holds. More often than not it means 6 hours of my head stuck in a computer screen, punctuated by swapping laundry loads, appointments and other jobs. I get sore during the day from the stuff that I do and the pain makes my mood worse and I’ve often had to deal with someone I struggle with either on the phone or in person, this makes my mood worse and I’m on my own with no one to talk to about any of it. I just have to cope and carry on.
By the time I pick the kids up I’m exhausted, mentally, physically or both and I then have to attempt to be consistent and stable with the kids. I often lose my temper with them and end up shouting so to try and stop myself going off at them I hide in the kitchen and smoke. (It helps me calm down) I’ve then got to do teas for everyone even tho I don’t want to eat and I’m dead on my feet, the kids constantly nagging and my head getting more and more shut in on itself. I feel like I can’t think straight for all the noise and the activity between what’s going on inside my head and right in front of me. I get overloaded hugely and I shut down. I know I’m doing it sometimes but I can’t help it and once it starts I can’t reverse it. I just go quiet and can’t speak, my head goes into overload and I can’t form words anymore.
I get frustrated when he comes home and starts doing the chores I’ve not managed to get done but ignores the things I ask him to do. It makes me feel like what I need isn’t valued, that he doesn’t care that I’ve asked him to do those things so I don’t hurt myself. I have to fight the feeling that he doesn’t care about my feelings or my safety but it drives me into my own head and I get more withdrawn.
By the time I get the kids to bed and sit down I’m beyond exhausted most of the time and my heads still screaming at me. All I want at that point is to lay on his lap and be held but instead, he prefers the table and chairs. This just makes my head worse because it feels like he doesn’t want to be close to me at all by putting the table between us, he barely touches me outside of the bed and I can’t work out why. It feels like he’s ashamed of me like if anyone sees him be affectionate with me people would think him stupid or something because I’m ugly and fat. I hate the way my brain works.
We sit in silence all evening because I can’t climb out of my own head and start a conversation and he thinks I’m mad at him and don’t want him when that couldn’t be further from the truth, I’m just struggling to reconcile the stuff going on in my head or be able to talk about any of it but he can’t see that and just thinks I’m being a bitch and that really hurts, of all the people I so desperately want to understand me he’s top of the list but I just can’t make him understand any of what I think or feel, I just piss him off continuously.
By the time we go to bed, I’m usually so tired and desperate for my head to shut up that if I lay cuddling him I’m asleep in seconds. Feeling his heart beat under me melts all the stress and sadness and it’s the only time things are quiet inside me.
Weekend mornings usually start with me being woken up by someone yelling or banging about, usually him because he’s pissed off that one or both of the kids are being noisy, its generally not that early and certainly a good few hours lie in on the 4.30 alarm on a weekday but he’s always angry and shouting and I always get it as soon as I open my eyes.
I hurt in a morning badly, nothing works right physically and my heads fuzzy and emotional but I have to get up and deal with the kids right away under a storm cloud of threat.
My head climbs so far up my arse on mornings like these that I struggle to come back out and so I struggle for hours on end to keep the kids quiet and under control on my own when my heads a mess and it just compounds how alone and unloved I feel. How much I feel like I’m useless and worthless and incapable. I hate weekend mornings like this but they are inevitable because I can’t function adequately enough for him and the kids and he makes it known how much he doesn’t like my incapability.
Once he finally gets up around lunchtime the atmosphere is awful because I’m so scared to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing so my head climbs a little deeper into itself and then he hates me all the more for it.
I just wish he would just hold me. I wish he could see just how much I love him and need his support and love in return. I wish he could see just how much a simple hug changes everything in my head but I can’t, he doesn’t want to touch me and I just withdraw more because of it.
We sit in the same silence all evening because I’m locked inside my own mind trying to rationalise all that happens and how I feel.
I have such a problem with being withdrawn and shutting down but I can’t change how I am overnight. I can only hope that he will learn to understand that this is when I need the most support. This is the time when I need him to hold me and talk to me, even if I can’t answer or only give a few words. This is the time I need my person to be there for me the most and not withdraw himself.
I wish I could make him understand what makes me the way I am so we can work on it together as the team were supposed to be!
I wish my head would just play fair for once. I wish I could have things easy for a while.
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