Difficult! That’s me!
I am a difficult person to understand, get along with and love. I’ve had a difficult life and I don’t expect it will get any easier as time goes on because I make things difficult for myself without even trying; simply by being me!
It’s difficult, trying to keep the monsters at bay; trying to keep the demons out of my head, day in, day out! It’s difficult because I face it alone for the most part and the least reliable source of support I have is myself. Psych services don’t have the resources to help and the doctors have their hands tied by the myriad of rules and regulations they must follow when treating us ‘mentally unwell’ individuals. There is little external support available to any of us that suffer the way I do and the expectation seems to be that family and friends, self-help groups and social groups will be the mechanisms for recovery and support when psych and doctors are unavailable. There is little account taken of the fact that in my case at least, getting out of the house and associating with others is a huge task, one that is fraught with anxiety and panic to the point of almost becoming agoraphobic.
I have recently been prescribed an antipsychotic medication called Aripiprazole and will be having some kind of antidepressant added in the near future. (After a very long fight to be seen and heard by the local mental health team, they finally agree with the rest of the professionals working on my case that I am not just anxious and depressed; my issues run much deeper and need much more than serotonin altering medication and a support group to sort out.) I am still on a low dose as I am only in week two of taking it but there have been little to no side effects as of yet and for that at least, I am thankful. My dose doubles on Monday, which scares the c&*p out of me: What if I have issues? What if it makes me ill? What if it makes me manic? I have a hell of a lot of ‘What if’s’ and no-one I feel would want to listen to my worries.
One of the common issues I have come to understand about my condition (Emotionally unstable personality disorder, EUPD,) is that relationships are extremely difficult for most of us. Interpersonal interactions are fraught with danger and challenges, both with friendships and with romantic interactions and either can blow up in your face at any time; and often will. I never understood why I couldn’t keep a friend or partner until I finally got a diagnosis. I never understood why people just drifted away or ghosted me completely; I just learned to accept over the years, that I wasn’t worth hanging around for, wasn’t worth the effort needed long term.
Now I know the truth of the situation… I have a personality disorder that makes me extremely difficult to get along with because I am hugely unpredictable and unstable. My fears over the years that I am not worthy of companionship, whilst not answered wholly, have been confirmed and denied to a greater or lesser degree. Yes, I have been right in thinking it is my fault that I feel unloved and unwanted but wrong in my assumptions as to why.
I AM NOT a bad person. I AM NOT unlovable. I AM NOT unworthy of friends.
I AM ill and I can get better.
I long for the day that I will wake up and feel good about myself and my life. I never used to believe there would be a day this could happen, but now I know otherwise. It is possible; I have read testimony after testimony of people who have travelled a similar journey, they can’t all be wrong. Can they?
If they can do it, then so can I!