Vague. Daily word prompt. 23/5/19.
I have a only a vague recollection of being a child. Memories are like photographs, simple stills that my mind has chosen to freeze in time; no context or storyline to help me understand why I remember what I do. No timeline of events to guide my thinking or assist in my processing, just an image and a vague feeling that I was indeed there at the time.
I often wonder if this vagueness, this loss of memories, has in fact been an integral factor in the my development of #EUPD. My research suggests that those of us suffering with the condition suffer a profound lack of sense of self and I wonder if this is because, like me, others suffer badly with their memories too; and because of this lack of memory we have no way of building upon ourselves, therefore no way of forming the sense of self we so desperately desire.
I have thought about memory retrieval using hypnosis as a way to attempt to piece together some shreds of my history but I find I am terrified of the consequences. Many of the memories I do have are of dark and troubled times, memories of danger, of death, of loss, of fear and of abuse. What if I unlocked more of the same? What if the vagueness of my past existence is my minds way of protecting me from horrors worse than those I already know?
But how do I move on and build a stable version of myself if I do not understand what has come before, what has happened to shape the person I have become today. It is a conundrum and as vague as the memories I seek to find!
#BPD
#depression
#EUPD
#daily-prompt
#daily-word-prompt
LillBlu1981 
Leave a Reply