The battle.

Life isn’t meant to be this complicated or difficult is it?

When does it start to slow off a little? When do I get to have a little ease for a while?

I feel like I’m fighting all the time. My body has been failing me for as long as I can remember and my mind isn’t too far behind. I can never seem to catch up with it all, never seem to have a good patch without at least one thing or another slamming me down again.

I’m so exhausted with the effort of simply existing that I have forgotten how to live and have fun. I can’t remember what it feels like to be calm and relaxed and I have forgotten what it is to enjoy my life at all.

I try. Oh lord do I try. But I never win.

I want to be happy for my kids. I want to be Momma Bear again. I don’t want them to hate me or fear me because I’m always angry and annoyed. I don’t want that for them, they deserve so much more. So much more than I can give them.

I wish I had the answers. I wish I had a battle plan with generals fighting my corner, but I’ve driven almost everyone away with this stupid head of mine to the point I’m almost completely alone now. No one has the time nor energy themselves to pick up the pieces of my messy life, nor should they.

But I can’t plan the fight alone.

#depression

#BPD

#EUPD

#loneliness

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