Does anyone else feel mardy as F€#k when hungover? My heads caught in a loop of ‘Why’s’ today. Maybe if I write it all down I’ll feel better. Probably not but here goes….
Sept 2009 – got married
Winter 2010 – pregnant
July 2011 – little man born
Late 2011 – caught hubby on wank cams for the first time.
2012 – I started volunteering. Hubby has mental breakdown. Neighbour from hell peaks.
April 2013 – Mum emigrates to spain. We move town to escape neighbour.
May 2013 – Im pregnant!! The very day I start new volunteering job.
Jan 2014 – little miss born.
2014 – Hubby still on cams, now messaging people we actually know too. He knows I know as we have fought about it.
Apr 2015 – All the volunteering pays off and I get paid work! Woohoo.
Jun 2015 – Aunty Sheila dies suddenly. Hubby helps paramedics. We’re all devastated.
Sept 2015 – Hubby fucks up! I get a text message ment for one of his bits of skirt. Whilst on holiday with the kids no less.
June 2016 – Lee started volunteering for me. Very hard worker and becomes good friend
Aug 2016 – Just back from holiday and I find many messages and WebLinks showing just how bad hubby is being.
Sep 2016 – I break! A complete breakdown. I left him and the kids and started living in the car outside work.
Oct 2016 – I get accommodation. 1 shitty room in a shared house. No one but me speaks English so it’s real lonely but Lee lives a street away so we talk often. Our first date, we went to the fair. Lee hates heights!
Nov 2016 – I go home to see the kids after a weekend away with Lee. Hubby slits his wrists in front of me and lill miss. All hell breaks loose! Hubby gets temp sectioned and I move back home for the kids.
Dec – Mental health overload! Hubby is on another planet. Iv been demoted cos I’m a mess. Baby bear is messed up too. It’s all a mess. My gallbladder decides to pack up monumentally and I’m on and off sick. I dump Lee cos I’m scared and ill and I need hubby to look after kids. Christmas was horrific.
Jan 2017 – I can’t take the stress and I miss Lee so badly. Go see mum in Spain to escape. Fell head over heals with Lee. Hubby gets his own place. Things start to settle.
Feb 2017 – Lee moves in, unofficially. Still having stress with hubby but as a whole things are improving.
Summer 2017 – Juggling work, kids, ex, mental health, Lee’s health issues ect. Ect. Madly in love and super happy with our little family but my mental health suffering somewhat.
Sept – Lee and I get engaged. Lee wants a baby!!! This man hated kids a year ago but lill man and lill miss have won him over. I’m so happy.
Oct 2017 – breakdown again. I’m on sick. On a plus tho I get to spend more time with Lee and the kids. He’s blossomed into such a good dad.
Nov 8th – Just back from a few days away. Lee’s shoulder is playing up again but this time it’s really bad, painkillers not working. We call the doctors but they won’t give him an appointment till Monday at earliest. They say it’s probably his arthritis.
Nov 9th – Lee’s still in a lot of pain but we strip out the bathroom and I start the tiling for the new shower. Lee stayed in livingroom all evening whilst I tiled. He’s in a lot of pain but assures me it will go off eventually.
Nov 10th – We went to bed around 12.30am. Lee laid with his back to me as he was more comfy so I played big spoon and snuggled him till I fell asleep. I woke up at 2am to find him sat on the edge of our bed. He was clutching his chest and gagging. As I got to the back of him he collapsed on top of me. The next few minutes were a blur of panic, 999 call and feeble attempts at CPR. The paramedics arrived and took over, they took 12 minutes to get to me. I counted 9 shocks on the pads before they got him stable enough to travel. He was shocked a further 6 times on the way to the hospital before I lost count. He was stented in 2 valves as they were blocked and put into a coma. I waited.
Nov 11th – at bang on midnight Lee’s dad managed to get to the hospital. I remember whispering in Lee’s ear that his dad was here and that he could go now if he couldn’t take the pain any more. His blood pressure, already dangerously low, lost a point every minute until at 12.30am on remembrance day his heart gave out and I lost him forever. I have no memories of the next week or so. I guess I survived as I’m here talking about it!
28th Nov – Denis is dead. One of my closest and best friends. He beat off terminal cancer for far longer than the doctors expected but it caught up to him after all. I’m broken all over again.
11th Dec – Lee’s funeral. His own family didn’t come. Horrible day.
19th Dec – Denis funeral. Obviously his family didn’t know him at all! They didn’t show to the wake, unsurprisingly.
TODAY, 20th Dec 2017.
My heads a complete shed. I drank too much yesterday and suffering the consequences today. Hubby pissed me off because his head is up his a$se and so refused to have the kids yesterday evening let me stay and talk to friends at the wake. I’m sure he’s trying to make me more isolated so that I have only him for support. Almost feels Like he sees me losing Lee as a way to get back in and repair our marriage. Like he’s working his way in when I’m at my weakest. He sits in my house and mopes about all day because he’s ‘looking after’ lill man and lill miss but he never plays with them or interacts with them beyond food and drink ect. He just sits in silence and broods. Half drunk, I had a go at him yesterday. My guard was down a bit and I just let loose. Nothing majorly abusive or anything, just a few thoughts and feelings. Needless to say this morning I barely spoke to him. Tbh, I have a banging headache so I’m hiding in the kitchen away from any noise! (Self inflicted I know.) I didn’t notice he had come in until he spoke but that barely registered either to be fair. Next thing I know he’s stomping out the kitchen muttering something about lill miss and him coming back later. Apparently it’s evident I don’t want him here.
I’m a rational person most of the time but I’m also being tested for bipolar, so I know I can be off the wall. I know that hubby (I know, it weird I still call him that but it’s habit.) has very bad depression, as do I. What I can’t get my head around is how this man seems to think everything in my head evolves around him? How does he not see that in the grand scheme of things that go on in my head, he plays only a small part. How does he expect me to be when he’s around?
Reading back over the timeline of the last few years it’s no wonder my heads a mess. I don’t even know where to begin processing it all but I know I have to, somehow. Just need to find some motivation now… and a decent hangover cure!